Today as I was drying my hair, my mind was all over the place
with the "to-do's" of the day, how much time do I actually have to
finish drying my hair, did I feed the dog yet... etc. But what I was wrestling
with was a much deeper question. One I have been blocking out for a few weeks
now.
Why am I so stuck in my faith right now?
This has been an awakening year for me, for a variety of reasons but mostly
because the Lord has been so faithful to me and the spirit has guided me over
and over through the simplest and most complex moments. So why am I not there
now? What is missing?
Ultimately the answer was to go back to what a lesson I learned in high school
from my youth pastor. There are things that we know about God. There are things
that we know- that we know, because he has used them to teach us over and over
again about Him... So, the thing that I know that I know is God is always faithful.
I just need to be honest with Him. He already knows where my
heart is- in denial in this case- If I can just be honest with Him. That is
step one.
I do know a lot about learning the hard way of how honesty plays
into healthy spiritual living. I'll never forget getting caught by my teacher
in 1st grade stealing. I had asked to go inside from recess to use the
bathroom, and I did- but I also made a quick stop behind her desk to find her
stash of ticky tack, you remember the blue sticky stuff teachers used to put up
almost everything on the walls back then? I was obsessed with it! I played
school religiously at home and I was desperate to get my hands on the stuff. So
I grabbed a glob of it and rather than sticking it into my desk for later, I
had the bright idea to stick it in my lovely pink tights I was wearing. Later
during circle time, the glob had moved from its original hiding place on my hip
and was now sticking out of my tights around my knees. When my teacher asked me
about the giant blue glob, I knew I was caught but I decided to lie about where
I got it. Of course she saw right through my first grade attempt of theft- and
thank God she allowed me to just return it and never tell my mom. In fact she
still doesn't know. You see, I've been learning practically all my life the
value of telling the truth, whether it be to my teacher or God.
When I look back, I can see the thought pattern that has become a cycle in my
life... If I am honest with God about where my heart is, he will never fail to
meet me where I am. He then reveals to me how He has in fact been with me all
along, and though circumstances have not been in my favor, He is. He is on my
side. His faithfulness once again is in place, and there I am back into spirit-lead
relationship with Him. The opposite is true as well. When I continue to pursue
the millions of idols or as Charles Spurgeon calls them, "lovers less wild
than Jesus", I choose to listen to the created instead of the creator.
It's been said that "honesty is the highest form of
intimacy." Doesn't this apply to our spiritual lives all the more? If
there is one person with whom we should be completely intimate, shouldn't it be
the one who knit us together? So many things get in His way. But, telling God
the truth despite the fact that he already knows it, breathes life into the
soul. Scripture says it this way:
"And you will
know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” John 8: 32 (PP)
Honesty is like that. Is there anything more hopeful than knowing that God is
able to rescue us from the depths of where we are in the moment we are needing
rescued? The confession of our denial of how we messed up, our desperation for
Him, our frustration with Him can make that possible.
Honesty. It is refreshing in a world of complex personalities
and people pleasing tendencies, non-confrontational living. Honesty brings us into
reality, a total shift of mindset.
Admitting where you are is a great first step. Requiring of ourselves a daily
spiritual check is a good way to know where our allegiance lies. Eventually we
all come to the cross roads of honesty with God versus denial. Next time, let
it be honesty..
