Counting the years

Today marks 23 years that my dad, Johnie, passed away. It has always been a difficult day. Especially since most of those first anniversaries were spent at school, as I was only 10 when he died. I only learned a few years ago when my own son was born that what took his life was not the disease he fought, Chronic Inflammatory Disammuned Polynoropothy, but a blood clot that traveled from his leg to his heart. He was incredibly weak following a surgery he had a week prior, and to be honest, I think he was just done. He had been sick for over 4 years, fighting this disease that no one really knew much about, because it was extremely rare.

The thing about losing someone is you can remember before you lost them. You remember some of the most important and also some of the random facts about that person, about your life, about what you had. Memories serve as a reminder of the forever questions, "what if this had never happened?", "what would my life look like?", "why did this person have to die?" And truth be told, I have struggled to understand and have wrestled with those thoughts for most of my life. Because most assuredly, my childhood would have been different. My life would not be the same. But, because I am a Christian, and by God's grace so is my family, God has shown me how loss can be turned into a beautiful redemption story. Because He is the God of new beginnings, of using humans to tell a story of his faithfulness, of His incredible and all-encompassing love, I believe he really has redeemed us from the pit of sorrow we faced that early morning in 1995. All in our own uniquely needed ways.

My mom was given a second chance at love. Not that that would have been her first choice, but it is absolutely the way God works- giving us exactly what we need. And she needed love. I needed a father figure. Cue Rex Blake. Circa 2000? My oldest sister had a 2 year old daughter, Mackenzie, who had a new friend, Jonathan. His parents, Matt & Tiffni invited Mackenzie to Jonathan's birthday party and as luck would have it, neither Mary nor Michael (her parents) could take her, so my mom did. And there was an immediate, undeniable connection that happened that day. Fast forward a few months and my sister, brother-in-law and now step-brother, and sister-in-law set up my mom and Matt's dad. Although the initial date wasn't anything all that exciting, we all were thrilled they were getting out of the house. Rex's wife of over 35 years had passed away from breast cancer a few years before, and he was in need of companionship just as much as my mom. They had an immediate common ground: loss. Though neither really thought this date would lead to anything, what they knew was they had a new friend. A new friend who understood the great pain they both suffered. Well, as you can guess their friendship turned into a deep and undeniable love. They were encouraged and affirmed by family, friends, even both living in-laws. So, on my mom's 50th birthday, Rex proposed to my mom in front of  a crowd of family and friends celebrating at her party. He and I had secretly met a few weeks prior to pick out a ring, which was probably the most adorable thing to witness. They married April 30, 2005 and quickly our families blended into one big, loving, slightly chaotic family. They celebrate 13 years this coming April and in those years, we have been witness to a faithful and loving marriage, as well as all of us kids getting married, moving, changing jobs, having babies, sending kids to college, losing jobs, etc. The constant and never-failing love of God has truly been our heartbeat, always there even when we don't think about it. We have all come to adore and appreciate this family, with its ups and downs, its better seasons and more difficult ones. But our heritage is intertwined, our legacy forever different. And though I know not one of us would have ever asked to go through the years of pain from losing both my dad and Marian, Rex's wife, we have reaped years of unbelievable blessings. I think in a lot of ways loss has taught me to be thankful for every single year, every single visit, every phone call, every time my kids get to sit on their grandparents laps to read, or play. I am incredibly grateful. This God who calls us to trust him, even in our worst pain, he really does know what He is doing. He is faithful. He is good.